Off the Licence: Off the Booze

The new licensing regime comes into force on 27th November; from that date, only licensed drinkers will be served. If you are a regular drinker you will need to obtain a licence. If you wish to drink on 27th November, you should have made an application to your local Council by 6th August.

Application forms for a licence can be obtained from your local Council offices. The 18 page form must be completed in black ink or it will be returned to you.

The forms are detailed. The Council will want to know your reason for wanting a drink. Is it social or for business purposes? How many drinks are you likely to want in an evening? Will you want to consume nuts (salted or dry roasted?) or crisps (please specify flavour) with your drink?

You will be expected to list how many units of alcohol make you (a) tipsy (b) pretty merry (c) hammered (d) violent and (e) go around telling everybody you bloody love them. Details of any likely jukebox requests will also be required (NB specifying anything by Bryan Adams or Cliff Richard may result in a refusal by the Council to issue a licence).

The completed form should be countersigned by the police, your doctor and your employer. The application should be advertised in the local newspaper so that all the above, plus your immediate neighbours, may comment, and may seek to have conditions attached. Your drinking licence may be approved but you may be prevented from singing Lady in Red within 200 metres of your home after 11.30pm. Similarly, you may be prevented from entering the beer garden without a tattoo.

Precise plans of your route between home/work and drinking establishment will be required. Any unauthorised meandering or lurching may lead to revocation of the licence. Fees for the licence will vary in accordance with your proximity to the town centre, your circumference, and your average daily intake of alcohol. Established drinkers whose applications were lodged before the deadline will have "grandfather rights" if they stick to existing drinking hours.

Your right to buy a round for yourself and five mates on a Tuesday will be safeguarded. However, should you need to move the drink to a Wednesday, or should your group be larger or smaller than specified you will need to make a new application. Similarly, switching from (say) bitter to lager, or gin-and-tonic to white wine will require a new application.

Clearly, it would be both bureaucratic and against the spirit of the Government's "Better Regulation" initiative to make you go through the whole process just to switch from bitter shandy to lager. We have therefore created a streamlined eight-page application form which can be faxed over to the Council offices by the publican. Government performance targets require the Council to issue the revised licence, or to formally state their reasons for refusal to do so, within 14 days of the application. All being well, you should be able to obtain your new drink within a fortnight.